Thanks to them, tears plummet down my cheeks sometimes

after Danny treats me well because

 I often don’t believe I deserve it.

Thanks to them, I question whether it was my fault

when they chose that their sense of “power”

was more important than

my security

my safety

and my stability.

Thanks to them, I wonder 

what I would have spent 

those months doing,

the experiences

I would have gained, the writing

I would’ve done,

the people I would’ve enjoyed my moments with

had I not spent all that time

 in the confines of that cell-like hospital room.

Aren’t the perpetrators the ones who should go to jail after a rape?

Thanks to them I associate making male friends

with being sexually assaulted, and have to constantly remind myself

that the two often aren’t correlated.

Thanks to them, instead of dreaming

about things like my future as a writer,

the items on my bucket list,

and the places I could go,

I have bone-shattering nightmares

about being assaulted again.

Thanks to them, instead of spending my time walking home listening to music 

and thinking about 

what I’m going to have for dinner,

I keep the Noonlight app on hand and always send a loved one

a screenshot and tracker of my Lyft driver.

Thanks to them, in a time 

where I want to be excited 

for the future,

and proud of the past,

I am

simply

terrified.

Thanks to me, I am paving the path

for a lifetime full of rich experiences, amazing company,

and days well spent.

Thanks to me, I spend some of my time day dreaming 

about what kind of house I will live in, what pets I will have,

and what type of career will fill my days.

Thanks to me, I now get in the Lyft to go to ecstatic dance,

because I’ve worked so hard on walking the path

leading to that no longer being 

a fear of mine.

Thanks to me, I continue 

to reinforce the belief that I will not be scared forever

with deep breaths, dancing, consensual intimacy, and so very much more.

Thanks to me, I’m doing so 

much more than surviving

after assault- I am doing

my very best to live the fullest life 

I possibly can 

after having my rights stolen 

and stomped upon 

like someone trying to put out a fire

that was meant to burn. 

And that is what’s worth

so very much more

than what they did.

–thanks to me.

• Author Details

Emma Butterfield Administrator

•Portland based ecstatic dancer and yogi with a quirky sense of humor who loves the outdoors most of the time • Creative Nonfiction and Poetry• Healing backwards and forwards in time• ~My writing is something I pour my heart and energy into. Please keep this in mind and do not share without asking permission.~

email

ecarolineb95@icloud.com