Painting myself, my way
I long for a day where I can lay on my back without feeling the need to guard my center, the area where innocence was taken in a moment that came and went faster than the speed of light yet seemed like an eternity while it was happening, if only I were believed. “Cheater”, “crazy”, “slut” were painted across my forehead in red ink I’m still trying to erase. “Glad that’s been resolved now” spewed out of the residence hall director’s lips. Nothing’s been ‘resolved’. Nothing’s been resolved but I seek to resolve it every day in the asanas, the journaling, the breaths, the inner work. Aiming to heal backwards and forwards in time. They say revictimization is extremely common. Those who have been sexually assaulted often unconciously seek out situations where they could victimized again in hopes of having a different outcome. Ain’t that the truth. I can’t count the amount of times things have been taken from my body that were not freely given. But I can count the amount of days I have spent actively working towards reclaiming this body that is so rightfully mine and only mine. 267. 267 days since I realized the pattern of seeking out dangerous situations where I was likely to be assaulted again and actively worked not to end up in that situation again. I’m not fucking perfect. I’ve had close calls, times where I almost ended up in such a situation. But I’m here now and part of this work is realizing that the times it happened were never my fault. Perpetrators choose to perpetrate and when they make that choice and they’re larger and stronger than you there’s little you can do to stop them. Pretty much all you can do is lay there, freeze, and hope it ends soon. But I refuse to lay there and freeze in my own life. I can’t control or predict what may happen in the future but what I can control is the fact that I am putting one foot in front of the other and reclaiming my story. Fuck the words they painted on me, I am painting “survivor”, “vibrant”, and “fucking brave” on my forehead for the world, but mostly for myself, to see.
