The bath of absence
The moment I decided this body
was no longer a war zone
was the moment I made space
for the embrace
of the warriors that have been helping me fight
all along.
That’s not to say I don’t still carry the guns,
it’s just that I don’t keep them as loaded.
I now
have the ammunition stored for the moments
where I really need it.
–conservation.
.
As a survivor, I feel that some
expect me to be “healed” by now
victorious.
vivacious.
Simply a story
to turn to
when the world claws with wickedness.
But I am not a just a short story with a happy ending,
I am a living, breathing
human being
with dreams that are sometimes nightmares
and days that sometimes feel like daggers
to bare skin.
The healing
is the everyday steps
in the direction of the Sun
and the acceptance of the fact
that this process has only begun.
.
If you interact with people regularly who do more than praise your art or expression, who furrow their brow and act or speak out of discomfort, you are doing something right.
.
In expressing your true self you may have people turn away from you. But once you realize you prefer the sight of their back towards you rather than their disapproving face, that you deserve admiration and praise in the highest form, you will bathe in the delicacy of their absence.
.
Sometimes the people
who have been treated
the most poorly in the past
have the most to give.
Open your arms to what they have to offer
but don’t forget to remind them to open theirs.
–reciprocity.
.
Being gay
half gay
half straight-
whatever
you want to call it
doesn’t change anything
about how I give to the world
and how I reap the benefits
of all it has to offer.
I am the same species
as those who only like the opposite
sex.
Why do some people act
like this isn’t the case?
We all live off the water
from the same Earth,
walk its streets,
explore its beaches.
Why is something as trivial as
who a person likes to kiss,
date,
or be intimate with
such a deal breaker for some
when there are children being held
in concentration camps,
people being shot up in schools,
and an Earth that all living beings
depend on
ripping at its seams?
–let’s try changing this instead of even thinking about asking gay people to change.
.
And when it all comes down to it,
yes, I have extreme anger for what he did
and there are times I wish I could pay him back.
But I don’t wish bad things upon him,
you won’t find me with a voodoo doll
representing his body.
I wouldn’t do such a thing to a mass murderer.
I just wish he would realize
all the time he took from me
and that he would spend
the same amount of time
wishing he hadn’t
done what he did.
working on his psyche:
getting therapy,
deeply considering
his actions
and the ways
in which he interacts with women and
why-
so that doing it again to someone
else
just wouldn’t be an option for him.
–better than prison.
.
There are so many choices in life.
Above all else, make sure you choose yourself.
.
I write poetry to feed
myself and others.
If it nourishes you,
please,
take seconds,
thirds,
or even more.
If you don’t like the food,
quit sitting at the table.
.
At the end of the day, I am truly a little girl at heart. I like to swing, eat gummy bears, and am deeply considering coloring my hair a purplish hue. I have managed to stay supple and soft even though life has thrown very sharp daggers at me. If that isn’t a victory I don’t know what is.
.
Your brain needs food just like your body does. Just like you need many different nutrients to support a healthy body, a healthy mind thrives off of variety. Vary the literature you consume, the types of games you play, how and what you write about. Brain food comes in many different shapes, colors, and sizes. Consume the whole rainbow and the clouds that support it.
–and watch as your mind blooms colorfully
…to be continued.
